Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Randomize
