if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
