i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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