My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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