I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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