Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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