ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize