My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize