Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
