so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
