1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
