you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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