Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
