i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
