Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
