Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
