i wish my penis had a tongue
pop tarts are not kleenex
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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