apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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