I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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