What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize