I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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