Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
