i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i love accidental penises.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Randomize
