You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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