Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
