Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
