I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
