dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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