The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
