don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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