1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
