All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
