im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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