I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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