This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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