Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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