yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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