You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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