his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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