Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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