My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
