Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
