I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
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