Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
