John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
