forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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