i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
