I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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