Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
