I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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