All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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