I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
