he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
