my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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