I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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