you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
