I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
