I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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