I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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