Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I cockslap morals
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
