just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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