I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
