I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize