you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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