I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
