I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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