Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
