hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
