You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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