So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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