Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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